In my initial post on this blog, I said that I wanted to inspire people living with disabilities while at the same time keeping it real and not sugar-coating my feelings. This will be a non-sugar-coated post served with a side of sarcasm.
Sometimes, no matter how you slice it, having a disability sucks. Most times I try to maintain a positive attitude because I realize that I could be much more severely affected than I am, but there are other times when I want to drive my powerchair off a cliff and do a victory dance as I stand above and watch it fall. I almost accomplished this goal once when I accidentally drove it off a curb in pitch blackness one night during college, but that's a story for another post;). The thing that bothers me the most is always having to plan whenever I want to do something. Even a simple trip out to lunch with a friend requires planning and advance notice. My move to California will require much more planning and logistics for this very reason, and even though I feel more prepared for that than anything because I did so much research when I was deciding between USC and Georgia, it is still a daunting task. I realize though that I have to do it, not only for myself but for the people who don't believe I can. I know I shouldn't even give these people a second thought, but proving them wrong would give me such satisfaction.
I've encountered various attitudes toward disability throughout my life. Some people choose to look past it, while others simply choose to look past me and my talents because I live life from the comfort of a wheelchair. The attitude I have seen during my time in graduate school has been, quite simply, toxic. The students and my friends and professors have been phenomenal in making me feel welcome and wanted, The South in general though is just behind the times when it comes to disability awareness. The most glaring example of this came when a prominent organization told my school that they didn't want to take me on as an intern because of my mobility impairment. I went from devastated to livid in about 2.5 nanoseconds. It felt like I had been slapped in the face, especially considering that I had done the same type of work in a previous internship with glowing marks. That was the first time I realized that equality doesn't always exist. I often get the feeling that people expect me to play the victim because I was dealt a different hand in life and, though the tone of this post may speak to the contrary, that is something I refuse to do. As I often like to say "my brain works, my legs don't" and that will NOT stop me from living my dream.
Sometimes, coping is hard. There are less than a handful of people that really know my true struggles and insecurities. I can call them or tweet them and say ''I'm hurting today'' and they are there for me without hesitation. As weird as this is to say. and I may get judged for it, but a large majority of my friends are people I've met online. In some ways it's easier because I control when and what I disclose about my disability. And for the most part people are not judgemental. Yes I am aware that it may not be healthy to rely on online friends but I do what I need to do to cope. And in truth, these are the friends who have really stepped up and helped me through my struggles of the past year...and for them I am eternally grateful.
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