I found my way back to the blog today to publish an entry that I never imagined I'd have to write. I still wonder how I'll find the words.
As I sit here tapping away at the keys on my MacBook, it is Friday night. If you're seeing this entry on Saturday, it only means one thing: I've lost one of my best friends.
I've always wished that life would come with a guidebook, Life for Dummies, or some other resource to help me navigate through the difficulties brought on by my teenage years, college, and the uncertainty that follows graduation. I've never hoped for that instruction manual to appear more than I do in this moment.
Because even with six years of formal Social Work education under my belt and even a graduate class in bereavement, I'm still not quite sure how to process my feelings when it is my own heart that is breaking.
It was nearly two weeks ago when I was enjoying my working vacation in L.A. As we drove downtown on a sunny Sunday to enjoy a Dodgers game, I got a Facebook message from one of my college roommates, Jenny, that our friend Mark was in the hospital in critical condition. Out of respect for him, I won't go into too much detail but I will say that my heart dropped to my feet as soon as my brain comprehended the message.
I enjoyed the game but my mind was a million miles away as I thought about Mark and mentally prayed for a miracle against what, medically, seemed like pretty insurmountable odds. When I got back to my friend's apartment, she left to run an errand and I was alone. As soon as the door shut, I started sobbing.
Sobbing for Mark because he didn't deserve to be in this situation. Sobbing for his family because no one should have to see their son and loved one in such a fragile state. Sobbing for myself because this was the first time I had faced the prospect of losing a close friend.
But, in the interest of not making this post totally depressing, I want to focus on telling everyone about Mark because to know him was to love him.
It was the Fall of 2005 and the beginning of my Junior year at Wright State. I had made the decision to take advantage of my status as an Honors student and move into the Honors Dorm with my longtime roommate Katie and her trusty guide dog, Holga. I'm not sure what we were more excited about...the convenience store that was now merely an elevator ride away or the fact that we now had a bathroom in our suite and no longer had to travel down the hallway and wait in line to use the facilities.
At that time I couldn't have imagined how my college experience would change by making that move and looking back I'm so grateful for it.
My social circle expanded and I met some great people. Leah, Dave, Jenny, Julia, Nicky, Kelli, Lori, Jeremy, Mike George, and many others that finally gave me the large group of friends I'd always yearned for.
And then there was Mark.
He rolled (literally) into my life a few weeks into Fall Quarter. One day he just showed up at our door and introduced himself, saying he lived across the hall. Little did I know at the time that he would become one of my most cherished friends. His form of Muscular Dystrophy required the use of a wheelchair but he never let his disability get him down and he had one of the biggest personalities of anyone I'd ever met. He was outgoing, funny, and one hell of a smartass. Deep down though, he was the type of person who would do anything for anybody. I always admired that.
I'm not even sure how it started now, but soon after we met, Mark and I began to go to dinner together every night at the Hangar, the closest cafeteria to our dorm. He'd drop by my room to pick me up and we'd roll over there together. As we ate, we would discuss life, our classes, and just enjoy each other's company. The tradition continued nearly every night for the next two years and I came to cherish those dinners as a much needed sanity break from my hectic class schedule. Sometimes on Saturday's we'd take a stroll to the Student Union across campus to change up the food options a bit, but to lunch we went.
And no matter how many times Mark had to listen to me vent about classes, life, or other issues that seem momental to a college-age female, he never complained. He was always there with a listening ear and some sort of advice that calmed me down. He really was wise beyond his years and the true definition of a best friend.
Sometimes if we were feeling lazy on a weekend, we'd order in take-out and watch movies in his room. Wedding Crashers was a favorite and we quickly dubbed it "our movie." I have fond memories of the time we were in his room watching the Steelers/Browns game. He was a diehard Browns fan and I liked the Steelers so it was quite spirited. We were screaming at the TV and got in trouble for being too loud during finals week. Ooops. We weren't happy about it at the time (how dare anyone interrupt our football?!) but now I just look back on that moment and laugh. Oh, the lives of college kids.
One of my most vivid memories is from my Senior year. It was June, which meant that Spring Quarter was ending and Mark would have to head home for the summer while I stayed for Summer Quarter and finished my degree.
I was a wreck. The thought of graduating and entering the real world was scary enough but the thought of saying goodbye to one of my best friends and not being sure of when I'd see him again made me so sad. On his last night on campus before he left, he came over to my apartment to say goodbye. As I cried, he hugged me and said "It's not goodbye, I'll see ya later." And he left.
Lo and behold, a few hours later I heard a knock at our door and it was Mark coming back for another visit. I'm not totally sure now but I think we watched Wedding Crashers and talked. All I do know is that it made me feel better in a very uncertain time. And I was so grateful for that.
As it turns out, the only picture I have of us together is from that night. I'm in my pajama's and he's wearing a shirt that says Beer Delivery Guy. When I found it a few days ago, all I could do was smile because that was so typical of him.
After I graduated, I didn't see Mark again for about two years. I went back to campus in 2009 to visit Jenny and Julia, my old roommates. He came over to visit and it was almost as if I'd never left. He admired my new tattoo and listened as I talked about my plans for grad school, which at that time, I thought would take me to USC. It made me miss the college days when everything was simple and all that mattered was going to class and relaxing on weekends.
Fast forward to today. I haven't seen Mark since that day in 2009. Am I proud of that? Not one bit. I guess you could say life got in the way with grad school, my move to Georgia, and my busy work schedule now that I'm back in Ohio. But, as my Dad has often said, with some friends it doesn't matter if you saw each other five minutes ago or five years ago, when you get together or talk it's just like old times. That was Mark and me. I've continued to think of him often and last time we Facebook messaged each other, he said "I was just thinking of you the other day...call me sometime."
I never got a chance to make that call. And there will never be a moment that I won't regret that.
I vividly remember a conversation we had once as we crossed the pedestrian bridge back to my apartment after one of our dinners. I think one of our dorm mates who also had Muscular Dystrophy had just passed, and Mark said something to the effect of"When I die, I want you guys to have a party and drink beer." He always did things his way and that was totally him.
At the time I tried to steer him away from the subject because I certainly didn't want to think about it, and I didn't think I'd need to for a very long time.
I will tell you that now, as we've reached that fork in the road, the idea of having a party isn't quite fathomable just yet. It still hurts too much and I'm not sure when it won't.
Mark, thank you for being you. For teaching me to not take life so seriously and for being one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Rest easy, you've earned it.
Save me a seat in Heaven, I'll see ya later. I love you.
